- A reliable car to ride in
- A decent job to earn a living, and
- God's love for me
Already I can feel the agitation arising in my soul this morning. an indication that I've not utilized my energy effectively. I also have a tendency to worry so unnecessarily all the time. The thing to do is just jump right in, don't think, don't plan, just go with the flow of life huh? But without a vision, a goal or a purpose I'm told one perishes according to the Bible.
It's just that my heart seems to weigh down with the cares of life and I can't understand or figure out what I can do to see an immediate fix to my circumstances. I'd like to get going and find the truth with relation to my life. I'd also like to find out why I feel so angry within. What's causing this feeling? What am I holding within, refusing to let go of or refusing to forgive? Still as I reflect about my interaction with the principal at Monroe Middle school, I remain filled with agitation and anger, and this incident took place on yesterday.
God I've got to learn how to let this stuff go or it won't benefit my attitude or spirit. I'm supposed to be on a road to self-discovery, self-recovery, self-healing, knowing and learning about me as an individual. There is so much to know, so much to learn. God fill my spirit with a presence of love, self-love, an enlightening self-introspection.
I've thought about my daughter "K" and the challenges she faces now, has faced and will face. She's her own woman, destined to seek, find and discover truths on her own. As her mother, I desire to share with her so much my experiences and self-learned knowledge. Yet I know she's not ready to receive what it is I have to give yet.
I think about all those in my life who have cried "I'm your friend" but yet it seems like they require something much more than what friendship really requires. For instance "P" is looking to be my lover. "J" too is looking to be my lover. And all I want is a true friend with no strings attached. Someone who appreciates the simplicities in life. I wish I knew what it was that was really bothering me. I'm trying to find some happiness in this thing call life.
My life up to this point has been such a roller coaster. I keep attracting people not for my highest good. Those who seem or want to pull energy from me. Am I really sabotaging my own happiness? If I could make my life work for me, I'd give it all I could. I keep hoping against all else that I'll discover myself and create joy that will guide me up a river of joy. Why am I always motivated by fear? The lessons of my life have been many and perhaps I've not learned them as well as I should.
It's only 1:26 p.m. and God knows I'm ready to leave work and go home. I've actually had enough of the workplace for today. During our staff meeting today the boss seemed annoyed and displaced by comments that she showed favoritism among members of our team. She mentioned that if there were anything to be said, perhaps we should take the initiative to stand up and speak. I've been mentally reminding myself to remain positive about the environment here.
Why do I always have to be so very negative and unsettled? My friend "J" seems tied up in his own little world not giving me the time of day. I really do feel so alone, without someone to really understand, confide in and be myself with. It always feels like I'm doing this life stuff all by myself. There is so much anger and animosity within me towards life. Seems like all the things I want to work out for me aren't really working out.
Oluwakemi
No comments:
Post a Comment