Searching Within

Already the work day has gotten off to a busy start. I actually got my start at 4:45am this morning when the alarm sounded. However, instead of getting up and heading to the gym, I remained in bed, partially awake and thinking about numerous things as I always do. I drifted off to sleep again just as easily but was awakened with a jolt by the sound of fighting from the angry neighbors below my apartment. Nonetheless, I love my place to stay and I thank God He has prepared such a wonderful place for me to live.

This time I was up around 6:00ish doing my meditation this morning. There are so many things I want for my life. I ask God for guidance, direction and strength in every way. I listened intently last night as "J" talked about our future plans together. As I reflected on this intently, I began to realize that this is not what I want at all for my life. While it all seems alluring and I do get lonely now and then, there are too many disconnects between "J" and I. Truthfully "J" is a turn-off to me from an intimate stance. I want to share my life with someone I feel I share commonality with.

I took a walk this morning out around the office. Being outdoors during the summer is so very relaxing. Although there has been no word yet from "J" this morning, I actually don't want to share my life with this individual. I care about "J" as a person but as a lover, there is no desire. I admit there were a few times this weekend that I reached out to my ex-lover "T" but received no response.

All things have a meaning and a reason. I noticed that my good friend "P" has made a lot of effort to reach out to me. I'm guessing it's because of plans to try and involve me again in all of the relationship drama they're experiencing. I care about all of these individuals because at one point there were an integral part of my life but their intimacy is not what I desire.

I sit here on my balcony relaxing, journalling and searching for peace within. Knowing that my spirit desires to have love, guidance, direction and peace. I remind myself that the drama of others is not my load. There is a need for me to search for myself within the caverns of my soul. I hear my inner voice saying "center yourself, as it's what's needed within your being". I must banish the negative energy I allow myself to feel or better yet allow to come into my soul, and begin instead to see my purpose.

I believe I remember reading in one of Iyanla Vanzant's books that..."once I set a path to pursue my destiny, I will be detoured while trying to reach my goal". So I ask myself, what accomplishments have you made today? I honestly handled my job with a professional demeanor today, and I felt good about my performance.

I'm so glad to be here at home, having a place to call my own. I love me and I'm worth getting to know. I feel that "J" continues to try and convince me that we would be awesome together but I'm not buying into this thinking. While I won't deny "J" is a blessing who has brought me hope during my moments of despondency, I also know that my love does not extend to the levels desired. I want a love that is real but one for which I share the feelings as well. I can not love something that has to grow on me.

I keep asking myself just what the turn off is with "J". I guess I'm looking for more maturity, perhaps for a mentor with whom I can share my growth and learning's with. Besides, credit card debt is not my idea of financial stability. I need to know that I share and seek something with someone who is intelligent, mature and has experience in being confident without being foolish.

God I know that you know all the answers and you feel all my pain. Guide me I pray into a righteousness for my highest good. Am I looking without really seeing? What am I really searching for. What are the real answers to the hesitation I feel about this relationship with "J" ?

Oluwakemi