Thoughts

Well today is a beautiful day. It's the eleventh month since my first grandson's birthday. I've not heard from my daughter "K" since June 17. My eldest son "K" is here though. He got in yesterday from Germany. I've been up pretty early thus far. I volunteered to assist at an education conference this morning.

I'm really beginning to wonder now if anyone will be taking over the rental of this apartment for me if I make the decision to move to Boston. Sounds like "K" will be returning to Germany in August. I decided to barbecue today and boy does it smell good. I also put some collard greens on too. Decided to prepare some blueberry muffins and sweet potatoes as well and have a real tasty meal. I'm thankful that there was enough money to buy food for the house and cover laundry.

My dog, Peppy, a Maltese is here on the front porch with me enjoying the view. I've thought a few times of calling my ex "T" this morning but then decided against it. Honestly if they were interested in talking to me, they would have dialed my number by now. "J's" still at work and I can't believe "P" hasn't returned my call yet. I've often thought about my life and where I want to go, where I want to be. I'm still pondering if living in Boston with my friend "J" is really the place for me though.

Silent questions arise in my mind and I ask myself if I'm headed in the right direction. Joy, peace, love and hope are the things I seek. I only hope that my children too will be happy in the life pursuits they achieve and conquer. God it truly is the most pleasant feeling to be sitting here this morning on my apartment's balcony, relaxing and feeling the stir of nature.

I watched myself this morning as I interacted with the volunteers I assisted. Although my body was there, my thoughts were elsewhere. I thought of my daughter "K" and when she was younger, innocent and trusting, filled my mind. I miss her laughter and her smile. I miss the way all my kids stuck together and loved one another. Life really is funny with its twists and turns. I could not know nor did I ever dream that I would have four wonderful, absolutely gorgeous kids.

Well dinner's almost ready. By the time my kids "E" and "J" make it home the food should be completely ready. In fact, as I speak here they come now back from doing laundry.

Oluwakemi

The Wrong Job

Well here I am sitting outside on a beautiful workday. That pain inside of me which cries out I hate working for MetLife yearns to be spoken but I know that negative energy is harmful to my soul. I understand that all things occur in time but I promise that so much of the time I despise the need to work for someone else.

There's so much I want to positively happen for me and I think often of when will it all be right for me. Just thoughts of being free in every way are exhilarating. Although I need this job for the moment in order to support myself and family, I really don't want to be working here. I feel I'm not in the right job. There are times when the thought "how do I change my circumstances so that I'm happy with where I am" so fill me from within. I just want to know joy in life. I want to feel full. I wish to leave behind sadness, despair and negative energy. I know that change in a good way is coming for me soon. I can just feel it ! I love you God and I'm glad you chose me as one of your children. I want to feel nothing but God's love. Well, almost time for my next and final work break.

Thoughts of running my own business come to mind again. I'm thinking about selling clothing items at the local flea market. God will you grant me love, peace and guidance to the truth. It's good to know that someone loves me. I haven't seen the little duck that usually swims in this pond lately. I love being outdoors. Listening to the sound of this waterfall relaxes me. It's a bit overcast today and I'm glad for the shade the clouds provide. Wonder what my son "J" is doing? Lord knows I absolutely cannot wait until I leave MetLife once and for all. This job is the job from hell. Well now the sun's broken through the clouds and it sure is hot.

I've not thought much about happiness in Boston but I've thought about what the change of environment might do for us for sure. God let me be still and find my way as I should. Let the positive energy I need flow through me. One thing's certain, I desire strongly to fix my life for the better. Perhaps that's my problem, I'm always the one trying to fix it instead of trusting God.

At moments I think about the various people who have crossed my path in this life and I wonder why they've not stayed. Was it something I did or was it just not meant to be? God touch me with your lovingly sweet presence through the breeze of the wind. Well, time to head back indoors and work.

At times I really wish there was a good friend. I wonder why all my life there has never been a good friend for me of course with the exception of "S. Daniels" and "L. Pack" two very good childhood friends. Aside from that there has been no one I've felt I could count on. As I walk outside, I think of the love my friend "J" has for me and a feeling of love and joy cross my being.

Feeling stuck in a job I know does not fit my persona is at times unbearable but perhaps in the next month and a half I'll be able to change things for myself. God I believe has dreams, goals and hopes "that" or shall I say "which" I'm destined to attain. The secret however, is getting what I need.

Oluwakemi

What Am I Good At?

Lord knows this stuff called life struggles seems so never ending. I'm outside enjoying the fresh air and sunshine. Feeling God's touch in the wind as the breeze blows gently over my skin. I ask myself so many times what is it that I'm good at? I still haven't discovered the answer yet. All I want at the moment is to get to Worcester as quickly as I can. I know "J's" got a few things to take care of regarding preparing things for us to move.

Oluwakemi

God Help Me

I know life is what I choose to make it, so please Father/Mother God, show me the way. What can I do to move forward as I should? God I really do love you. Help me to focus on sending out an energy of love. I this day am thankful for hope, hope in a better life, a better way. More opportunities to be strong. Please shower me completely with your love. Guide my footsteps along a path which you bless and maintain. Shower me with love and hope.

Whew! Things have finally slowed down here at work for the moment; but earlier we were busier than worker bees harvesting honey. I just returned from lunch; they sent me early today. I'm sorry but I absolutely cannot wait to find another job. I thank God for His grace, hope, health and all bountiful blessings even though I'm so tire of working here most of the time. There are moments that I actually want to escape from this job, and I'm so dissatisfied with my present living situation.

I love me but I long for a special someone in my life who will love me honestly and whom I'm attracted to. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the "ugly duckling" whom no one desires to have because I'm not viewed as "drop dead" gorgeous. I know that I'm loved divinely but where's my precious, all loving companion. No one wants to spend their life being alone, and feeling unloved. Yes, there are moment that I think about loving a man and then I doubt I'll ever discover someone truly wonderful. At times I really ask the question "what did I do wrong to get this treatment?" All the persons or so called friends I though loved and cared for me really don't.

They're offering overtime tonight but I'm so ready to go home. I am not interested in staying past the time they originally scheduled me for.

Oluwakemi

Giving Thanks

For what am I thankful today? Well for starters:

• A reliable car to ride in
• A decent job to earn a living, and
• God's love for me

I am functioning this morning but once again I feel myself in that place of discouragement. I can't define it exactly, I just am not where I feel I should be in my life. So many times I keep asking myself why can't I be still, happy and getting on with my life? A portion of me still leans toward living in Boston while another part of me says "stay rooted where you are".

Already I can feel the agitation arising in my soul this morning. an indication that I've not utilized my energy effectively. I also have a tendency to worry so unnecessarily all the time. The thing to do is just jump right in, don't think, don't plan, just go with the flow of life huh? But without a vision, a goal or a purpose I'm told one perishes according to the Bible.

It's just that my heart seems to weigh down with the cares of life and I can't understand or figure out what I can do to see an immediate fix to my circumstances. I'd like to get going and find the truth with relation to my life. I'd also like to find out why I feel so angry within. What's causing this feeling? What am I holding within, refusing to let go of or refusing to forgive? Still as I reflect about my interaction with the principal at Monroe Middle school, I remain filled with agitation and anger, and this incident took place on yesterday.

God I've got to learn how to let this stuff go or it won't benefit my attitude or spirit. I'm supposed to be on a road to self-discovery, self-recovery, self-healing, knowing and learning about me as an individual. There is so much to know, so much to learn. God fill my spirit with a presence of love, self-love, an enlightening self-introspection.

I've thought about my daughter "K" and the challenges she faces now, has faced and will face. She's her own woman, destined to seek, find and discover truths on her own. As her mother, I desire to share with her so much my experiences and self-learned knowledge. Yet I know she's not ready to receive what it is I have to give yet.

I think about all those in my life who have cried "I'm your friend" but yet it seems like they require something much more than what friendship really requires. For instance "P" is looking to be my lover. "J" too is looking to be my lover. And all I want is a true friend with no strings attached. Someone who appreciates the simplicities in life. I wish I knew what it was that was really bothering me. I'm trying to find some happiness in this thing call life.

My life up to this point has been such a roller coaster. I keep attracting people not for my highest good. Those who seem or want to pull energy from me. Am I really sabotaging my own happiness? If I could make my life work for me, I'd give it all I could. I keep hoping against all else that I'll discover myself and create joy that will guide me up a river of joy. Why am I always motivated by fear? The lessons of my life have been many and perhaps I've not learned them as well as I should.

It's only 1:26 p.m. and God knows I'm ready to leave work and go home. I've actually had enough of the workplace for today. During our staff meeting today the boss seemed annoyed and displaced by comments that she showed favoritism among members of our team. She mentioned that if there were anything to be said, perhaps we should take the initiative to stand up and speak. I've been mentally reminding myself to remain positive about the environment here.

Why do I always have to be so very negative and unsettled? My friend "J" seems tied up in his own little world not giving me the time of day. I really do feel so alone, without someone to really understand, confide in and be myself with. It always feels like I'm doing this life stuff all by myself. There is so much anger and animosity within me towards life. Seems like all the things I want to work out for me aren't really working out.

Oluwakemi

Searching Within

Already the work day has gotten off to a busy start. I actually got my start at 4:45am this morning when the alarm sounded. However, instead of getting up and heading to the gym, I remained in bed, partially awake and thinking about numerous things as I always do. I drifted off to sleep again just as easily but was awakened with a jolt by the sound of fighting from the angry neighbors below my apartment. Nonetheless, I love my place to stay and I thank God He has prepared such a wonderful place for me to live.

This time I was up around 6:00ish doing my meditation this morning. There are so many things I want for my life. I ask God for guidance, direction and strength in every way. I listened intently last night as "J" talked about our future plans together. As I reflected on this intently, I began to realize that this is not what I want at all for my life. While it all seems alluring and I do get lonely now and then, there are too many disconnects between "J" and I. Truthfully "J" is a turn-off to me from an intimate stance. I want to share my life with someone I feel I share commonality with.

I took a walk this morning out around the office. Being outdoors during the summer is so very relaxing. Although there has been no word yet from "J" this morning, I actually don't want to share my life with this individual. I care about "J" as a person but as a lover, there is no desire. I admit there were a few times this weekend that I reached out to my ex-lover "T" but received no response.

All things have a meaning and a reason. I noticed that my good friend "P" has made a lot of effort to reach out to me. I'm guessing it's because of plans to try and involve me again in all of the relationship drama they're experiencing. I care about all of these individuals because at one point there were an integral part of my life but their intimacy is not what I desire.

I sit here on my balcony relaxing, journalling and searching for peace within. Knowing that my spirit desires to have love, guidance, direction and peace. I remind myself that the drama of others is not my load. There is a need for me to search for myself within the caverns of my soul. I hear my inner voice saying "center yourself, as it's what's needed within your being". I must banish the negative energy I allow myself to feel or better yet allow to come into my soul, and begin instead to see my purpose.

I believe I remember reading in one of Iyanla Vanzant's books that..."once I set a path to pursue my destiny, I will be detoured while trying to reach my goal". So I ask myself, what accomplishments have you made today? I honestly handled my job with a professional demeanor today, and I felt good about my performance.

I'm so glad to be here at home, having a place to call my own. I love me and I'm worth getting to know. I feel that "J" continues to try and convince me that we would be awesome together but I'm not buying into this thinking. While I won't deny "J" is a blessing who has brought me hope during my moments of despondency, I also know that my love does not extend to the levels desired. I want a love that is real but one for which I share the feelings as well. I can not love something that has to grow on me.

I keep asking myself just what the turn off is with "J". I guess I'm looking for more maturity, perhaps for a mentor with whom I can share my growth and learning's with. Besides, credit card debt is not my idea of financial stability. I need to know that I share and seek something with someone who is intelligent, mature and has experience in being confident without being foolish.

God I know that you know all the answers and you feel all my pain. Guide me I pray into a righteousness for my highest good. Am I looking without really seeing? What am I really searching for. What are the real answers to the hesitation I feel about this relationship with "J" ?

Oluwakemi

Dear Diary

Most of my life I've journalled my thoughts and kept a diary of some sorts, and while rummaging through my closet today, I ran across my diary from 2003. Being the human being that I am, I have made so many mistakes in life. However, despite my human fallacies, I'd like to begin the journey of sharing my thoughts, both past and present......

Well today I bought myself a new journal. The kids and I went shopping at the Mall and I picked up a few items we found. I really hadn't intended to spend any money but it felt good doing something with the kids. I'm sitting here now at home out on my apartment's balcony enjoying the evening air and thoughts of being with myself and thinking about my life.

"J" talked to me again about my moving permanently to Boston. I'm still undecided based on all the events which have taken place between the two of us. Perhaps Boston may be a really good place for me to begin again in a more successful way.

I've felt okay today about life. I ended up having a fight with my daughter "K" today but then again what's new. "K" seems to have so many pressing issues going on in her life but they're issues she has to resolve. I can't fix her life, even though I wish I could. I'm just thankful for an opportunity within my own life to give myself love and support. Yea, there are still many things I need to work out within me but I'll be fine, I know I will.

The kids for the moment seem happy and I'm glad they like our new apartment. It feels good to be alive, good to have my own place to call home and the opportunity to love life and enjoy God's blessings. I ask myself "what am I thankful for this day?" Well to begin with....

• Life with the health of my own being
  
• Home with all its comforts
  
• Friendship in its truest sense

I'm glad I can sit outdoors without being eaten alive by mosquitoes. The comfort of a job, a car, food, money in my pocket and the chance to have all I need. For these things I am grateful.

Ever evolving that is how I view life. Every day I'm given another opportunity to discover my self and what I've been put here to do. My son, "K" will be here at weeks end, home from Germany. One thing's certain, I've gotta get past buying into or allowing other folks drama, emotion or energy into my life. My kids are grown and as much as I want to give them hope and a better life, they can only do this for themselves as adults.

I love the sound of the wind chimes blowing in the wind. It's peaceful here where I live at right now. I think that God was definitely guiding me in finding this place. I ask God for strength, wisdom, guidance and grace in finding my way to the truth that is for my highest good.

Thoughts of taking some time off work to go to Boston for a few months are prevalent in my mind. But for now I'll just keep seeking truth, guidance and strength in the quest for my success.

Oluwakemi